These Skinny Jeans Are Making My Balls Sweat

 While I may be outspoken and forward at times, a guy that wants to date me should be the definition of the word. (Man –noun “An adult male person as distinguished from a boy or a woman”) also, physiologically equipped to initiate conception yet not to bear children. That sums it up nicely. I’d like to wear the dress if he can put on some pants that fit.

Here goes the judging, but there is nothing flattering about you in my jeans. Has any woman ever wondered at the curve of a mans thigh? I've been known to compliment the length of an inseam or two. That is as close as I've come. My clothes are distinctly feminine and perhaps I’m looking for someone to maintain the opposition. Truth be told, I'm a little jealous of your V-Neck t-shirt because you fill it out better. To be upstaged in that arena is a bit unsettling, It's like those cats with the extra toes. As this shallow rant continues, let us briefly touch on a few other things: Tap Out shirts, Ed Hardy, bling, barbed wire tattoos, your K-Fed look-a-like fake thug wanna be saggy ass jeans and those awful Kanye sunglasses that hipster kids wear to enhance their matted chin length hair. Actually, that's all I really need to say about that.

Take into account that some women need a display. She finds a man to be much like an accessory and all of her appliances are made of stainless steel. You know the kind. They carry a small dog in a designer tote with a boyfriend patiently holding their purse.You can easily pick these ladies out of a crowd. Most will be wearing an ass flaunting velour track suit (deserving or not) with a well placed italicized description of themselves. For example: Juicy, Hottie, Sexy... Now guys, if that is the route you choose, you will get a bedazzled leash and a choke collar for your efforts. Don't take offense; “Muffin” just wants you to match her Chihuahua. It makes her look much more aesthetically appealing. At the end of the day, no one really likes or respects either of you. Call me when you realize that the only thing you'd pay for that kind of upkeep on is your lawn.

Clothes are the least of my worries. Ultimately I find myself going from sports to feelings hour in order to maintain commonality. Apparently at some point whining became more alluring than rythmic chest beating and strategic grunts. As much as I loved the 90's, I'm sure those ten years are to blame for the incapability to have a good time without sobbing theatrics on either end of the gender spectrum. Thanks a lot Kurt Cobain. The moment he threw up his hands and sang "Rape Me" he invited my generation into folly. I have to admit, googling those lyrics in the middle of Starbucks had me looking around like a 14 year old boy about to shoplift a pack of gum, then creepily angle my computer away from other patrons.

 While I appreciate sensitivity, I can't tolerate a crier. Sure, girls can all get sucked in by a sob story and intense guys seem to have more depth, but you can't convince me he's getting in touch with his feminine side. That’s a step away from an irreversible operation. Seriously, what happens when you need a shoulder to cry on and you have to get through 3 popped polo collars and the smell of your own deodorant, because he swears, “it works better”. He might as well change his whole name to Summers Eve or Chad Ocho Cinco. Is that hyphenated? Subsequently, the downward spiral of sharing my vanilla sunset moisturizer and finding my favorite romantic DVD in the Harry Twatter case makes me think. "What is she thinking you ask." or not... Hot yoga and manscaping? Wait a second does a clean shave make, you know... it look bigger? That's a legitimate question in a scholarly sort of way. Or quite possibly, it's your preference with little to no thought? I, um, I was just wondering.

 The lesser known part of me that isn't superficial thinks maybe sharing stretchy pants wouldn't be so bad. Quite cost effective actually. In the meantime I am left to ponder the fit of a man's jeans and what he tucks inside of them. Ohhh I get it now...